Brooklyn Beckham’s balls of steel, Jeremy Clarkson’s latest folly, a Lowe blow for The West Wing’s Rob, and a likely new victim in Loose Women’s bloodbath, columnist Jessica Boulton brings you Jess Saying, her wry and witty rundown of the past showbiz week…..

Who would have thought a dashcam video could cause so much trouble? For the drama of the showbiz week got off to a racing start on Monday, thanks to Brooklyn Beckham, his wife Nicola Peltz and their ongoing feud with his ma and pa, Posh and Becks.

It all started when the nepobabies posted a very ‘pointed’ video of themselves enjoying a loved-up motorbike ride through LA last weekend – and by the start of this week it was all anyone could talk about on social media.

The video and its loved up soundtrack, was seen by many as a clear message from chef/photographer/filmmaker/influencer/nepobrat Brooklyn to his long-suffering mum and dad Victoria and David Beckham. That message was clear: Thanks for the lavish lifestyle, probable £125million inheritance and hooking me up for jobs with all your high-profile friends….but I’m Team Peltz.

Brooklyn Beckham vows to ‘always choose’ Nicola Peltz in caption to this cringeworthy Instagram video ( 
Image:
instagram.com/brooklynpeltzbeckham)

The controversial motorbike video showed them riding through LA to a soppy soundtrack – and even soppier captions on their associated Instagram post ( 
Image:
@brooklynpeltzbeckham/Instagram)
Brooklyn then went and ramped things up a gear by adding a super-soppy caption addressed to his wife, in which he cooed – **WARNING: SICK BAG REQUIRED** – “I always choose you, baby.”

Insiders on one side of the Posh and Becks V Peltz alleged feud, claimed it was a veiled dig at his parents; insiders on the other, claimed it was a completely innocent declaration of love which Brooklyn just happened to share with his 16.3m followers on a day when his family fallout just happened to be making global headlines. Ahem. I’ll say one thing for Brooklyn: His dad might be Goldenballs, but Brooklyn’s clearly got balls of steel to go so public.

Just Potty Tuesday

Talking of child stars….Dominic McLaughlin, Arabella Stanton and Alastair Stout may not be household names yet….But they soon will be. Because these three lucky, lucky British kids have just won the Hollywood lottery. Yes, they’ve been selected from an open casting call of 30,000 children to be – wait for it – the new Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley.

L-R: Arabella Stanton (the new Hermione), Dominic McLaughlin (Harry), and Alastair Stout (Ron) ( 
Image:
HBO)
That’s right: one day, these three were going to school and doing the odd bit of acting at a weekend drama club and then – poof! just like magic – the three 9-11-year-olds had landed new roles in the upcoming big-budget HBO TV series and were on the Hogwarts Express straight to a life of fame, riches and A-List perks.

Naturally, my first thought was….“ Oh my gosh, am I seriously jealous of a bunch of nine-to-11-year-olds?” (Yes, Yes I am). And then, more importantly, what exactly does this mean for Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and co? They’ve been the faces of those iconic characters for 25 years and feature on untold billions of bits of merchandising. So how’s it going to feel for them when a whole new generation of fans talks about the half-blood prince and doesn’t picture Radcliffe at all?

Their replacements weren’t even born when the last Potter movie was released in 2011. And when the spin-off Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them hit screens in 2016, they were only toddlers at best. That’s more of a mindboggler than a pint of polyjuice.

All that brings me to two very disturbing realisations:

There’s a packet of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans at the back of my cupboard which is older than the new Harry;
This guy (below) is no longer the only one feeling a bit old hat….

The Hogwarts’ Sorting Hat

LGBTQEIEI…O Wednesday

You can’t mention JK Rowling without plunging headfirst into the Trans rights row. But the pro-trans rights lobby found itself a very unlikely ally this week: Mr Jeremy Clarkson.

For in the latest episode of Clarkson’s Farm, farmer Kaleb Cooper was seen explaining some interesting news to the former Top Gear host: Endgame, his prize bull, was gay and one of the piglets was possibly trans. Quite how Kaleb knew this, is about as clear as mud (that the piglet was playing in). But how lovely that someone so, um, ‘ Clarkson-like ’ as Clarkson has such an inclusive farmyard.

I mean, who would have thought? A gay bull, some trans pigs and a morbidly-obese donkey all under one roof?

Oh, hang on, my mistake. Diddly Squat is home to a giant ass.

But he doesn’t live in the barn.

Loose Lips Thursday

Nadia Sawalha might have been a bit rash when she decided to livestream on Thursday. Because if there’s one thing you probably shouldn’t do when your show’s about to implode….Is throw petrol on the fire (and blow yourself up along with it).

But Loose Women star Nadia bravely/stupidly wasn’t pulling any punches when she let rip about the savage ITV daytime cuts in a new social media video she posted this week. Speaking alongside her producer husband Mark Adderley, the former Mirror columnist started by tearfully blasting the ‘hundreds” of “brutal” redundancies.

“I cannot tell you how upsetting it was to see people walking around numb with shock and fear about what they are going to do,” she said. “It’s brutal.”

Don’t get me wrong, it’s admirable Nadia’s speaking out. But when Loose Women’s about to turn into a bigger bloodbath than your average soap wedding, one wonders if it was the wisest thing to do.

And yet, Nadia continued. And amazingly, she even decided to save HR the trouble of digging out her contract, to check her employment terms. “We are all freelance,” she told fans. “I could be let go tomorrow, in five years, you don’t know because we’re not employees.”

Nadia Sawalha’s lifestream with hubby Mark Adderley. Inset, what she should be wearing considering how loose lipped she’s being…..
I don’t know what you’re thinking Nadia, but with the way you’re going, I figured I best send you this snazzy t-shirt (inset, above). Now you can have a target on your front….to match the one you’ve just put on your back.

Gazza gets booked Friday

Someone’s looking on top form! Yes, Gazza is making a comeback after embarking on a new fitness regime – and looks healthier than ever. The footie ace, 58, has a newfound enthusiasm for cycling, fishing, tennis, and – surprise, surprise – penning books.

Gazza says he’s the happiest he’s been in years ( 
Image:
Rowan Griffiths / Daily Mirror)

….And now he’s preparing to show the world the real him in what promises to be an explosive new tell-all, when it hits shelves this October ( 
Image:
Rowan Griffiths / Daily Mirror)
For the star has just announced he’s going to be doing his first tell-all autobiography in 20 years, as he finally feels ready to show people the “real” him. It’s good news for the fans. But there’s one person the former Lion’s a little worried to think will be reading it: Mamma Gazza. “There’s laughs, tears, madness – and probably a few things I’ll regret saying once me mam reads it,” he admitted.

Never mind, Mrs Gascoigne – I’m sure whatever Paul has to share, it won’t be the most embarrassing thing he’s ever put you through. No, that ship sailed 35 years ago….Not with his famous tears on the pitch at Italia 90. But with our infamous tears over his pitch…on THAT 1990 single. “Fog On The Tyne, is all mine, all mine,” he ‘sang’. So my question is: if that was true, why didn’t he just do us all a favour and keep it to himself?

Picture of the Week

*Thirst Trap: Def. [noun] A snap that makes you stop in your tracks on social media. Usually involves a six pack – but only of the abs variety. Demonstrated superbly above by Rob Lowe, 61, and son Johnny, 29. ( 
Image:
rob lowe / instagram)
As family traditions go….I don’t hate it. For Rob Lowe is no stranger to an Instagram ‘thirst trap’* and it seems he’s now got his lookalike son Johnny, 29, involved. The pair, who star together in Netflix’s comedy Unstable, shared this snap of them showing off their abs in a post-workout snap this week. And despite being 61, I’ve got to say…. Rob’s still looking hotter than St Elmo’s Fire.

The West Wing star captioned the shot: “Lowe family tradition: self indulgent shirtless gym photos.” It seems not everyone is buying into the tradition though. Rob’s other son Matthew, 32, made a very cheeky quip, saying: “Why does it look like you photoshopped your head on [Johnny]”? Ouch. I’m guessing that’s what you call a Lowe blow?

Jess a little one

Aww, just look at that happy face! And those puppy dog eyes! He’s such a good, good boy, isn’t he?… And – yes – the dog’s cute too. (Sorry, couldn’t resist).

Dr Janey Lowes of WCare with pup and Ben Fogle

Yes, the lovely Ben Fogle is proving an all-round Mr Nice Guy again after signing up as the new patron of WECare. The charity is run by former Daily Mirror Animal Heroes winner Dr Janey Lowes, and has helped 25,000 Sri Lankan street dogs, be it through with neutering and vaccination programmes aor treating injuries. Presumably Ben’s role as patron includes many official duties, but if cuddling the patients is one of them… these pups are some lucky sons of a you-know-wotsits.